


The 4 Times Logan Loved and the 1 Time Logan was Loved in Return

by analogical9954



Series: Our Prince Series [10]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Adoption, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Foster Care, Gen, M/M, Physical Abuse, This is a rough one guys, Verbal Abuse, mentions of abuse, mentions of punishment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23904364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/analogical9954/pseuds/analogical9954
Summary: This is a sad, hurt/comfort piece that mentions Logan's not so wonderful past.  If you need to skip this one, that's ok!  The series makes sense without it.  If you'd like to read on, I'd love to get your feedback♥!  This is a heavier piece so warnings ahead of time!
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Our Prince Series [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1361659
Comments: 25
Kudos: 133





	The 4 Times Logan Loved and the 1 Time Logan was Loved in Return

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sad, hurt/comfort piece that mentions Logan's not so wonderful past. If you need to skip this one, that's ok! The series makes sense without it. If you'd like to read on, I'd love to get your feedback♥! This is a heavier piece so warnings ahead of time!

The first time Logan tries to get an admission of love, he is in Kindergarten and living with an older foster mom. He’s her only kid but he knows she’s trying to get more. 

He carefully jumps off the bus stairs and rushes to the house, excitement filling him. He doesn’t care that she forgot to pick him up from the bus stop and he has to walk alone. He’s 5, a big boy, and now he could he show her how brave he is for walking home alone. But more importantly, he can give her the Mother’s Day card he’s been working on all week in school. 

He runs as fast as he can, his backpack jostling behind him as he rips open the front door and walks into the very messy home. He looks around, hearing the tv, knowing she is there, but unable to see her through her hoarded mess. He follows the noises, weaving his way through tight trash filled passageways and finally sees her, in her chair, cigarette burning in her mouth. 

He looks quickly down at his card, checking to make sure he didn’t ruin it transporting it home. The purple construction paper—her favorite color—is a little bent but the words and pictures are still intact. He beams proudly as the bit of sunlight that can make it through the crowded room hits the glitter his teacher—Mrs. Brown—put on. She let him put it anywhere and, in any shape, he wanted, so naturally he chose a heart. Mrs. Brown had complimented his heart and his writing. She said he did so good that his foster mom would undoubtedly love it and him forever. And Logan wants that. He wants, so badly, to tell a grown-up he loves them and for them love him back. He just knows Mama G will say it back, especially when she sees how hard he worked. 

He fixes his shirt, making sure to look as nice as he can, before approaching her recliner. He taps her shoulder, Mama G turning her face to look at him. Her red hair and stained, ripped pajamas are very messy and Logan’s sure she’s not left the reclining chair since this morning, probably because she was too sad. But that is about to change! He knows this will make her happy!

He extends the card, watching as she takes it. “Mama G, I maded you dis card in school. I workded really hard! It’s a Moder’s Day card. I writeded you a special message…”

Mama G opens it and scoffs, closing it and handing it back to him. “You know I don’t want your school garbage.”

Logan shakes his head. Perhaps, she misunderstood. This isn’t a test he did really good on, or a math page he got a smelly sticker on. This is important! Made by him, with love, Mrs. Brown said! He places the card back in her lap. “It’s not trash. I maded you a card because I love you.” He bites his bottom lip, trying to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. He just knows Mama G will say it back. That they’ll be a forever family…

He watches as she puts her drink down on the floor and lifts the card from her lap. She turns slightly to face Logan and Logan can’t help the excitement. He can barely stand still. But all that shifts when she tears the card down the middle and throws it at him. “I told you, I’m in it for the money. Take this trash out now.” Mama G turns back to the TV, turning the volume up as Logan bends down and picks up his ruined card. Tears drip down his face, landing all over the card, wishing she loved him.

~~~~~

The next time he tries to get an adult to tell admit love is when he is 7 and is living with another foster family, the Whitmans. Logan has had a hard time adjusting but after a couple weeks, finds he doesn’t mind when the two older boys beat on him. Or when Mr. Whitman says he’s a waste of space and doesn’t deserve to have nice things. Sure, he gets in trouble a lot and loses everything in his room, even his bed which is ok because he has a sleeping bag, but Mrs. Whitman says he can earn them back if he’s really good. And he’s been trying his hardest. He’s been doing everything he’s told and he’s even worked really hard on not telling them about the exciting things he’s learned at school unless they ask…which they never do. But that’s ok. 

Last night, they let him join them for family movie night. It is the only family event he’s ever gotten to enjoy and he loves every second. He is permitted to bring his sleeping bag and wrap it around him while he sits on the floor. He gets to watch the whole movie from beginning to end and Mrs. Whitman even asks him a question. Logan’s heart can’t be anymore full.

So, when the movie is over and everyone goes to bed, Logan goes to work. He knows cards don’t do the trick that if you want to express your love for someone you do something for them. He sets his alarm to wake him up very early and gets up to make them all breakfast. He tries to be as quiet as possible, not wanting to wake them. Considering he’s not allowed to use the stove or the microwave, all he can manage to make them is toast and cereal. But he sets the table, makes the best toast he can, and even gets them orange juice. Though as he’s pouring it, it slips, the jug crashing to the floor sending a loud thud through the house. He quickly bends down, the juice spilling everywhere and picks the bottle up. He doesn’t panic though, he rushes over to the paper towels and yanks on them, making a trail from the roll to the floor. He tries to clean up as much as he can but is interrupted by Mr. and Mrs. Whitman.

“What the hell is this?”

Logan looks up from the paper towel mass underneath him to the Whitmans. They both look tired, the juice definitely waking them. But that’s ok! He is going to make them feel better. “I made breakfast…”

“Oh my god, look at this mess,” Mrs. Whitman says motioning to the spilled juice, then the table he’s set and the things he’s left all over the counter. She glares angrily at him. “We let you join us and this is how you say thank you?! By creating a mess?”

Logan stands quickly. “No…I…I know I made a mess but I’m gonna clean it up. I wanted to show you that I loved yo—”

Mr. Whitman grabs his arm roughly. “If you loved us, you wouldn’t make shit harder. I’m done, we’re done. Clean this up now and we’re sending you back.”

Logan’s pushed to the ground, his heart shattering. Another family is sending him back…this is his 4th one. Those cursed words. He should know better by now not to say them but…he truly loves them. He just doesn’t understand why is he so broken that no one can love him back.

~~~~~~~

The third time it happens, Logan isn’t surprised. Mrs. Parker picks him up early from school because he’s sick. He didn’t want to call her, he wanted to stay in school, but he was too sick. It doesn’t change how mad Mrs. Parker is, how she yells at him the entire way to the doctor then the entire way home. She does stop, however, when they get into the house and Logan’s barely able to make it to his shared room. She helps him, carefully guiding him to his bed, tucking him in and leaving him.

His body hurts, his head hurts, and he tries to sleep it off only to be awoken by Mrs. Parker sometime later with a tray of soup, and a glass of water. She sets it carefully on his lap and hands him a pill, which he takes without question. She sits next to him, pressing her hand against his forehead, and sighing.

“Still have a fever. I brought you some soup. You should try to eat it.”

Logan’s stomach flips inside of him but he’d rather not disappoint her. He nods and shakily reaches for the spoon.

Again, she sighs and grabs the spoon, wordlessly offering to feed him. Which he gratefully accepts. They sit in what Logan could describe as the most comforting silence he’s ever been in until he finishes. She patiently tends to him, and for a moment, Logan sees her capacity to care…to love. Sure, she’d been mad before but he made her miss work. Perhaps, letting her know of his gratefulness would make her feel even better. 

“Thank you,” he says softly, looking down at his hands, “It was very good.”

“Good, I worked hard. Opening the can, pouring it into the pot,” she jokes as she stands, taking the tray with her, “You should sleep some more.”

He smiles and nods. A joke…so she isn’t mad anymore. He looks up at her as she reaches a hand out for the light switch. As mad as she’d been when she picked him up, it’s comforting to know she doesn’t harbor any hate towards him. Perhaps, if he says those words now--even though it is early on in their time together--it will make everything go to go better. Perhaps it'll make them a real family!

“Good night.”

“Mrs. Parker, uhm…may I tell you something first?” he asks.

She doesn’t come back in the room, but her hand stills. “Sure.”

“I know I have only been living with your family for a short time but…I…I am sure I love you,” he says, his heart thudding. He finds himself unable to look at her, his past failures weighing heavily on his mind.

“Oh…uh, yeah…thanks,” she says shutting the light off and disappearing.

Logan smiles and lays down, pulling the blanket up to his chin. Sure, she didn’t say it back but…that’s ok. Right? A thank you is the nicest anyone’s ever been when he said that and well, he doesn’t need to hear it. They’re just words…silly words and he’s almost 10. So what he’s never been loved, maybe the Parkers will at least like him enough.

He refuses to acknowledge how crushed he is when things change. When they tell him he’s an emotionless robot, that they feared him and wanted him far away from them. How they never liked him—certainly never loved him—and couldn’t imagine how anyone could ever love him.

He doesn’t tell them he agrees.

~~~~~~~~~

By the time he moves in with Mr. Albertson, he knows he’s destined to never feel the same parental love others feel or hear those words. But that’s ok. Mr. Albertson took him in when he didn’t need to. He gave him a bed and food sometimes and punished him when he was wrong. Like a real parent would. 

Logan pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to see anything out of the little slates in the closet door but he sees nothing. He sighs, his stomach grumbling. He knows it’s his fault for missing dinner. After all, he wasn’t listening, too wrapped up in his book, and Mr. Albertson told him so many times to pick up his backpack. So, when he didn’t and Mrs. Albertson tripped over it, Mr. Albertson put him in the time out closet. 

Logan knows it’s for his own good, that Mr. Albertson only does it because he cares but…Logan doesn’t like how dark it is when they go to bed and shut off the light. He’s only had to sleep in here once after meeting with the Sanders to retrieve his glasses. Mr. Albertson not liking that he was meeting with other adults because it made the town think he was a bad parent. And he’s a judge, so he can’t possibly be bad. He told Logan that he was being selfish that he couldn’t go anywhere near the Sanders. 

Logan feels his stomach grumble and sighs. He wonders—briefly—what the Sanders are doing. What it would be like if someone like them wanted to be his parents. Would they express love the same way Mr. Albertson does? By working hard to punish the badness inside Logan so he didn’t turn into a criminal? Or would they be like the parents Logan sees at school, smiling and interested in whatever their kids say? He thinks back to the family movie night he attended and can’t help but envision a movie night with them. He likes to think they’d let him join them on their couch, all three of them under a blanket, sharing popcorn, talking about the best parts…the worst parts…no, all the parts. He likes to think they’d let him express himself fully, even if he talks a lot, without punishing him. That they’d care enough to listen, like they did when he met them in the park.

Logan closes his eyes, resting his head back on the closet wall, letting out a sad whimper. As quick as those thoughts filter in, he pushes them away. After all, Mr. Albertson is right. Once they get to know him, they really won’t want him. He is bad, corrupt. It’s the only reason why no one’s loved him and no one will.

A loud knocking startles him, making him snap his eyes open quickly. He stays silent, knowing that responding only makes the time out longer, and looks through the slats to see Mr. Albertson looking in on him.

“You’ve only been in there two hours, but you’ve been a relatively good boy about it. Not a peep. You’re learning,” he says, his hands fidgeting with the lock on the handles, “No dinner though, you got me?”

“Yes, sir,” Logan replies. Sure, dinner would be nice, but Mr. Albertson is kind enough to let him out now. It’s the shortest amount of time he’s ever been in the time out closet for and he doesn’t want to jeopardize it. The doors open, the light making him squint.

“That it?” Mr. Albertson asks, making Logan shake his head.

“No, sir. Thank you for teaching me the way to be a good person. Thank you for giving me a proper punishment for my bad behavior,” he says. It’s the same thing he has to say after every punishment. He has to make sure Mr. Albertson doesn’t feel unloved…unappreciated by him even when he doesn’t listen.

Mr. Albertson nods and steps back, allowing Logan to get to his feet and exit the small hallway closet. He can better hear Mrs. Albertson and his siblings at the table, still eating. His stomach roars and he wants so badly to eat but Mr. Albertson grabs his shoulder and pushes him towards his room.

“That’s better. No dinner for smartasses, got it?” Mr. Albertson orders, making Logan nod obediently. “Good, I’m locking you in. We have company coming over and you are too much for them. They’re good people and I can’t have you corrupting that.” Again, Logan nods before walking into his bedroom. “Good.”

He watches as the door closes. As much as he enjoys his quiet time, it’s different when it’s punishment. He hears Mr. Albertson say something to the family, followed by a group laughter. Logan—again—finds himself wishing to be a true part of a family, wishing to fit in with someone who could love him. 

He walks over to his bed, carefully pushing his hand under the pillow and pulling out a strip of pictures he’d taken at a photo booth with the Sanders. Mr. Roman does a different pose in every shot, Mr. Patton trying to but in the last one is just laughing too hard to manage. Logan looks confused in most of them, and honestly, he was. He’d never seen adults act like the Sanders did and as strange as it was, it was the warmest he’d ever felt. He sees the small smile on his face in the last shot and decides that is his favorite out of all of them.

He can’t help but envision a life with them. He likes to think they wouldn’t banish him to his room when company came over, that they’d be proud…that they’d want to talk to him…to love him…

“What’s that?”

Logan’s snapped from his thoughts to see Mrs. Albertson with a plate in her hands. He knows she’s already seen it, that as much as he wants to, he can’t just shove it safely back under his pillow. “Uh…”

She puts the plate on the top of the shared dresser, ripping the picture from his hands. She scoffs. “We told you you’re not to see them anymore.”

“I did not! It was from the last time we were together. We took pictures in a photo booth and it was very small but we smushed in and Mr. Roma—” Mrs. Albertson glares at him and he stops speaking immediately, dropping his face to the floor.

“What, you think because these two were nice to you you’re too good for us?” she asks, huffing, “They were only nice because they don’t know you. Don’t know that you’re a messed-up kid whose birth parents were on every drug imaginable and couldn’t bring themselves to love you. They don’t know that all 5 of your foster families before us have said how damaged and worthless you are. How _hated_ you are and the only reason you live here is because Mr. Albertson is a kind, helpful judge and is trying to fix you.”

Logan bites down on his tongue. He doesn’t want her to see how badly her words hurt. He hopes his silence will force her to leave but instead it inspires her to rip his picture strip into tiny pieces. He looks up the second he hears the first rip, watching as she shreds it onto his floor, then steps on the pieces. He can’t help the trail of tears that drip down his face. Aside from the glasses on his face, that series of pictures is all he has of the Sanders and the hope of finally being loved.

Mrs. Albertson grabs his plate off the dresser and dumps it on top of the picture pieces. “Clean up this mess.”

She storms out, slamming his door closed and locking it. Logan moves to the mess on the floor. Sees the tomato sauce smeared all over a small piece of his pictured face making him look like a clown. It’s fitting really. He’s a fool to think anyone will love him. He’s broken, unlovable and he’s cursed to never hear those words.

~~~~~~~

Until someone does. Until he moves in with the Sanders—thanks to Ana’s mingling—until they show him kindness and understanding. Until they choose to adopt him, despite all his problems. 

Logan doesn’t say those words, he’s learned long ago it makes adults respond negatively. But the Sanders tell him all the time how much they love him, his dad more than his papa, but Logan can’t bring himself to say it back. So he chooses to do things for them. He may not be able to express his love through words but he can through actions. He helps with as many chores as he can, works hard in school, and for the most part listens when he’s told to do something.

Which makes his current situation slightly precarious.

“Oh my gosh, OH GOSH! Are you ok?! OH MY GOSH!”

Logan’s head pounds as he opens his eyes and sees the fall sky above him, leaves falling around him. His dad’s face comes into view, putting his glasses back on his face before helping him to stand. Patton quickly grabs his face.

“How many fingers am I holding up!?” he asks panic exploding out of his every pore.

“You are not holding up any fingers,” Logan replies slightly confused, “Just my face.”

“OH MY GOD YOU ARE…oh, you’re right,” Patton chuckles releasing his face, “No concussion, that’s good! But are you ok? Do you need the hospital? You fell right off that ladder…”

Logan rubs the back of his head, leaf pieces shaken loose from his hair. He’s still a little stunned but overall ok. “No, I am fi—”

He doesn’t even get a chance to finish before he’s pulled into a warm, and tight hug. He stiffens, expecting to be hit for his mistake. 

His dad had asked him to clean the gutters and having done them once already with his papa, Logan felt confident that he could do it alone. Of course, he was doing great but he forgot how wet and mucky his hands get and when he was climbing back down, he mis-stepped and fell backwards. Leaves flying everywhere. That means not only do they have to finish the gutters but now they have to clean the mucky leaves out of the grass. It’s a stupid mistake really and now that his dad knows he’s ok he should punish him for being so stupid, but when his dad just holds him and tells him how sorry he is for asking him to go up there without his papa, Logan relaxes. He allows his arms to wrap around Patton’s cat sweater covered torso, his face resting comfortably under his chin.

Apologizing to him? Not punishing him for making their workload more? Holding him like…like he matters? Logan’s still so stunned by all of it it. He’s so conditioned that when he messes up he anticipates some type of consequence; beatings, starvation, seclusion…but never an apology. Never a hug.

“I gotta be honest with ya, kiddo,” Patton says, rocking him back and forth, “I was so worried you were hurt. Seeing you slip off that ladder from the window, I just…” Patton tightens his grip. “I know we’ve only got a one-story home but…I just love you so much that the thought you might get even a little bit hurt because of something I asked you to do…ugh. Just awful. We ha—”

Logan bites the inside of his cheek. Unprompted and after he’s screwed something up, his dad still says he loves him. Sure, they’ve been living together almost a year and half and his dad’s been saying he loved him almost every day but there’s something about this time, about messing up and still being loved, it’s…it’s the security Logan’s been searching for his whole life.

Yes, he loved his foster families and he told them but things always went south after he admitted his feelings. But this, his dad…it’s different. He just knows it is. And that why, with a slightly achy body, and a panic-stricken dad, Logan has to tell him how he feels.

“Dad…I…I love you,” he whispers, unconsciously clutching Patton tighter. Hoping to stop him from pulling away like all the other adults in his life have. He screws his eyes shut tightly, his heart pounding. Would this be the catalyst that changes everything? Will his dad start to hate him, to punish him? Would this warmth he always radiates go cold?

“Oh…oh, Logan,” Patton gasps hugging him tight, “I love you, kiddo. To the moon and back.”

Logan can’t help but cry, his dad not mocking him, not hitting him, not letting go. Instead, he hugs Logan and rocks back and forth, reassuring him. Logan wants to tell him it’s not a sad cry that this is one of his happiest moments because finally, someone—no, the most important person in his life— _actually_ loves him. Finally, those three words aren’t a curse, a foreshadowing of dark things to come. They represent a bright and warm future; a future Logan’s been dreaming about since he was old enough to dream and one he’s never been more excited to explore.


End file.
